Suicide became a recurring shadow within my mind shortly after I entered high school. My mind has always wrestled to boil all of existence down into a palatable solution; An understanding of life that I can resolve and be at peace with (what a burden to take on within oneself). The perpetual struggle to accomplish this out of my own will power led me down a nihilistic road at the intersection of destruction and purpose.
The idea of not existing felt comforting inside a body and life I felt I could never quite come to terms with, even at a young age. These thoughts and feelings have trailed me like a dark passenger up until even a few weeks ago at twenty seven years of age.
There is a history of suicide and depression on both sides of my family. We inherit the byproducts of our forefathers (and mothers) decisions and conditions.
I have always felt a certain relation to the torment that led to my family members vacating the earth unnaturally.
I have learned through fighting this darkness that I am exposed to the same voice of deception that they were.
We must be aware of the familial legacies we are connected to. What we have been passed down and what we are passing on with and through our own lives.
The direction of our family line can change with us. Our lives can change and that has the power to redefine what our entire family stands for.
I took a somewhat passive approach to killing myself slowly by becoming dependent on alcohol for several years in my early to mid twenties. I employed alcohol as a means of destruction and punishment because I didn’t have the guts to truly live or really die. My drinking was an external product (a symptom) of my inner self hatred.
By an Act of God I was able to quit drinking, get sober, and have now stayed sober for one year and three months.
Yet the shadow still attempts to taunt me.
I am unsure if the temptation to give up will ever completely go away but I can tell you that God has impressed a mission upon my being that has led me to wage war against the voice that attempts to sway me into total defeat.
In the darkest place of my soul where I am an incapacitated victim is the exact place where there is the greatest potential for light and healing. It is the precise location where Jesus is meeting me.
I have journeyed to this depth with God instead of a substance. I have faced myself at my most human and sinful level and embraced who I found there rather than running in shame. I wasn’t able to get sober and give up destruction because I stopped loving alcohol but because I started loving myself in acceptance.
My brokenness on a molecular level is what I am on this planet to display. The reasons why I have wanted to die are the very reasons why I must live. Once a wound is healed it can become a place of brokenness made strong by God that will tell our story in humility.
I am on this earth to know and discover who I was made to be in complete vulnerability. I am in this life to be a man crushed and broken by the weight of God’s glory. Absolutely humbled so that I may be lifted up as a new being. Accepting this disposition and surrendering control will tell a story of hope that my own efforts to make sense of everything would have never accomplished.
The worth a man finds and knows within himself is the measure by which he allows himself to be loved.
I can not give up on life so that I may live to let God break me for the building of His kingdom.I will not give up and you must not either.